i frown and say, “This doesn’t make any sense,”
and you said “Why would it?”
i take a look around and everything has changed
me, a little landscape
i think
maybe it really has changed
until i step in a big wet loogie you spit on the sidewalk
and you look down at me and grin
wrong again
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stand there where you were willing
until i run out of ways to say I love you.
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………………..
sometimes i think i could walk away from you
like yesterday
just something i can’t not leave behind
don’t listen to anything you read
it’s just make believe
like your faith in me
i feel like a shiver in the summer
showing up at all the wrong times
making everyone so uncomfortable
our soundtrack swings wildy from interlude
to murder-moment-escape bonus track
and i always miss my cue
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as hard as i have tried it seems that resentment is the only thing that lasts.
i question and thing about my rage…then when it subsides i wonder about that. that that moment is past and now i’m left with right now. its long and spread out in front of me. endless. constant. lonely.
i can’t imagine death because it isn’t happening to me.
i can’t imagine happiness because this moment is my eternity.
i can’t tell myself that this will pass because it won’t.
it seems that melancholy is more stable a presence than any other.
it doesn’t abandon you in the blink of an eye like joy.
it doesn’t leave your body sick with energy like rage.
it can just be and not love or hate any of it.
the glass isn’t empty or full. it’s just something that was something else that will become yet another thing.
someone will put a label on it and tell you what they think it is and what it means for it to be that.
it is not a metaphor.
it is not life.
life is.
looking at now i can say that this is good and it will never be enough.
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i can’t wait until you see the best part of me
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i forgot january
and
i’m halfway through forgetting
february
the days seem shorter
and the hours
much too long
what good ever comes from a paradox
so i’m tracing our story
just beneath my skin
this ashen vein
veiled barely under
like a decaying vine
twisting in one rib and out another
like a writhing worm
making my hollow insides
fertile again
death feeds life feeds death
hate feeds love feeds us all
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i painted a picture of us
hands held
i thought how perfect we could be
exhaled
etched on this glass
another perfection passed
paper tears fall from the heaven
a sniveling sky
pretending to be more
than an ocean of hopes
inverted by fears
sometimes i reach
farther than i can imagine
seeing things unseen
not caring to know what i do not know
taking comfort in the space
where what once was will always be
without thoughts that seem to battle
wisps and vapors in the wind
i reach out to the vast nothing
the fierce protector
the greatest friend
you put your hands on me
and it feels like god herself has reached through you
plucked the strings of my instrument
and orchestrated a symphony so fine
the remembrance breaks my heart
i stood so many hours waiting by that window
looking down for signs of you,
my breath caught in my throat
just once
you should have looked up
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the house is filling with smoke
latex paint dribbles down the walls
like firey tears
proving
everything is sad when it’s over
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–snippet
i am a generator
with a love-bomb fusion core
–snippet
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i can remember sitting in high school watching videos of open heart surgery or documentaries about cows with vivisections.
at the time you think you’re learning about biology.
what you’re really learning about is what it feels like to be an adult.
the open chest. beating heart.
you’re being trained because everyday is like walking around with your rib cage spread wide. your most important and delicate parts bare and glistening. waiting for the flies.
or maybe that’s just me.
Filed by bug at 10:37 pm under Uncategorized
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